Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Diary of a hypocrite

Who am I? A couple of days, weeks, months even years ago I could have told you. I'm not so sure anymore. I used to be crazy, fun, truly happy. What happened? Did life knock the wind out of me? Have I just grown out of it? I don't think so...

I have a confession to make. In my last post I talked about how being positive. I have been failing at being positive for quite a while now, and have continued the trend even since the last post. Well I have no right to give advice that I am not going to apply to my own life. It hit me today while I was journaling at a local coffee joint. I listened to the song Doubting Thomas by Nickel Creek which goes like this:

"What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
besides the folks that I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
but I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward,
if there's a master of death I'll bet he's holding his breath,
as I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
cause I don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
when I'm scared I'll find proof that its a lie
can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs
that prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for the time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
though I know nothing's safe
oh me of little faith"

It hit me like a ton of bricks, cliche I know, but so very true nonetheless. I don't want to live like this. I am going through a rough patch but I can't sit here and tell people that I'm a Christian and how I believe that God is watching over us and things will get better and then turn around and complain and question God. I need to do a better job of living out my faith and walking the talk. I had a good chat with friend of mine tonight about doubting and faith. Him sharing what was on his heart really helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings. My goal for the rest of the week is to live life to the fullest and find some of that long lost joy.

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